Episode 13 - Hermit Reflex
Date: 638/2/2732
Patient: Rana [spiky cloud, teeth]. Neritopod
Patient ID: 27466591
Presenting Complaint: Egg check and vaccinations
It’s completely biologically appropriate. Still weird, though. _____________________________________________
Please consider supporting us on Patreon! The bonus story for this episode is called ‘Did You Pack Your Shell Or Did Somebody Pack It For You?’ and is available here!
To avoid spoilers, content warnings are available at the bottom of this page!
_____________________________________________
Transcript:
[MUSIC: The Vesta Clinic Theme]
DAKARAI:
. . . And that's when I said -
[SEC: questioning ping]
[SOUND: clinic door opens, footsteps]
Hi ! - Oh. Oh, no. What are you doing here?
[SOUND: clinic door closes, footsteps]
XAELEST:
Lovely to see you too. I'm here to speak to Faye about something.
DAKARAI:
Oh, see, could you just perhaps consider, just . . . Not? Not today.
XAELEST:
I'm here to help.
DAKARAI:
I know, I know. But I'm just not sure that she's going to be in the mood for your brand of ‘helping’, honey.
[SOUND: chair]
XAELEST:
Unfortunate. Why are you here
DAKARAI:
To see Faye! She's been a bit elusive, hasn't she? I just wanted to try and catch her and see how she's doing.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Oh, Sec, it's been awful. She's been crying down her comms to her dads at all hours, she's not been eating -
XAELEST:
She has been eating.
DAKARAI:
How do you know?
XAELEST:
I took her food.
DAKARAI:
When?!
XAELEST:
When you weren't camping outside her door, blasting out break-up songs, Rai. Which I don't think were helpful in the slightest.
DAKARAI:
It's cathartic. And I wasn't camping. AND, it wasn't just any break-up songs, it was specifically 'recovering one's self-esteem after finding out your partner has been cheating on you for half an orbit' songs. It's an important distinction. I crafted it for her.
XAELEST:
Mm. What has she been doing with this plant?
[SOUND: plant rustle]
DAKARAI:
She's been going through it, Xael! Don't bring up the dying plant. [Gasps] It's a metaphor.
[SEC: typing on screen]
XAELEST:
Rai - See, Sec says it just needs watering.
[SOUND: chair, footsteps]
[SEC: typing on screen]
DAKARAI:
With Faye's tears.
XAELEST:
No.
[SOUND: water pour]
Sec, I'm not going to spill anything on you, don't be ridiculous.
[SOUND: footsteps, plant rustle]
DAKARAI:
Your mother called the other day. [Pause] Aren't you going to ask me which one?
XAELEST:
Maybe I already know.
[SOUND: chair]
DAKARAI:
Xaelest.
XAELEST:
Fine. Logic dictates that it's not the one who is pretending I don't exist. That only leaves one other option.
DAKARAI:
She wanted to know if you'd heard back about your exam.
XAELEST:
Who told them I had an exam?
DAKARAI:
I dunno . . . But I bet he had a really winning smile and is very difficult to be mad at!
XAELEST:
You know why I -
[SOUND: Door opens, footsteps]
FAYE:
Oh. Hi.
[SOUND: door closes]
What?
XAELEST:
You - Different.
FAYE:
Oh, my hair? I just dyed it.
DAKARAI:
You definitely dyed some of it.
XAELEST:
Rai!
DAKARAI:
Let me see.
[SOUND: chair, footsteps]
I thought I smelled chemicals from your pod.
XAELEST:
And you didn't think to say anything?
DAKARAI:
This is entirely fixable, Faye.
FAYE:
I - thought it looked okay?
XAELEST:
It does! It looks very . . . Uh, bright.
DAKARAI:
[Laughs]
XAELEST:
Stop laughing.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
[SOUND: footsteps]
FAYE:
Alright. Get off it. It's just blue, Sec.
DAKARAI:
Seafoam . . . In places.
XAELEST:
It's . . . Nice.
[SOUND: chair]
DAKARAI:
I never said that it wasn't nice, just that it could be fixed.
FAYE:
Enough, please. Stars.
DAKARAI:
Did you miss us?
FAYE:
Yeah. A lot, actually. Thank you for . . . Letting me take some time off, though. I think I needed it.
XAELEST:
Are you sure you're ready?
FAYE:
Yeah. I need a distraction and clearly dying my hair isn't cutting it.
DAKARAI:
[Laugh] Correct.
[SOUND: Gentle slap]
[Pained noise]
XAELEST:
Good. I'm not going to use the Q-word, but you have picked a good day to come back. I thought you might want to start by doing the letter for the patient you were bleeped to yesterday? It might be that we don't have any crawl-ins until later.
FAYE:
Sure.
DAKARAI:
And! If you finish early, we can listen to my playlist and weigh the gullysnot in the lab together.
FAYE:
Oooh! What an offer!
DAKARAI:
I'm here for you.
FAYE:
I know. Usually just on the other side of my pod door.
DAKARAI:
Well -
XAELEST:
[Tuts] I told him not to.
[SOUND: chair, footsteps]
Come on, leave Dr Underwood alone.
DAKARAI:
We'll see you for lunch after?
FAYE:
Yeah. Maybe.
XAELEST:
Dakarai -
DAKARAI:
Yes, boss! I'm moving!
[SOUND: clinic door opens, footsteps]
XAELEST:
[To Faye] Call me if you need me.
FAYE:
Will do.
XAELEST:
Move, Rai.
DAKARAI:
Miss you already!
FAYE:
[Amused but exhausted] Miss you too.
[SOUND: clinic door closes]
Hi, you.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. I'm sorry for running out on you yesterday. After I'd cleaned up all the slime and stuff . . . I just wasn't in the right headspace to dictate the letter too.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Calyxy can be a bit scary when she's mothering you. She also told me she'd explain my absence to Xael and that was an offer I couldn't refuse.
[SEC: affirmative ping, typing on screen, questioning ping]
Xael?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Yeah. Fine?
[SEC: typing on screen]
No, she's been - great, actually. Very . . . Level headed and supportive. Stopped me from getting on the first Earthbound shuttle so . . .
[SEC: negative ping]
Sorry.
[Cough] Shall we get this done so we can help Xael if there's a 1300 hours rush?
[SEC: typing on screen]
I'm fine.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
I'm fine!
Date: 639/2 -
[SEC: questioning ping]
Wait. I've never done one of these in retrospect. Is it today's date or the date of the consultation?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[Amused] Which one?
[SEC: typing on screen]
Okay, so 638/2/2732.
Patient: Rana - then . . . Can you pull open the Neritan alphabet?
[SEC: affirmative ping, file open]
Hm. Okay. It was . . . That one: the upside-down, angular cloud . . .
[SEC: questioning ping]
No, the even more pointy one.
[SEC: questioning ping]
Yeah. And . . . I think they had that one with all the teeth.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Mhm.
So, Rana, those symbols, Neritopod.
Patient ID . . . Hang on . . . I wrote it down
[SOUND: rustling papers]
. . . 27466591.
I'm surprised that this is the first Neritopod we've seen together. They're one of the most nomadic races in the galaxy . . . I expected to see more of them passing through the Belt.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Hah. Maybe they are just better at looking after themselves.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
[SOUND: rustling papers]
[MUSIC: begins]
Erm. It was a pleasure to meet 1.5 Vesta year old Neritopod Rana in the clinic today. They attended for an egg check and some important immunisations for their ongoing travel.
We started with the eggs. The history of the gap between our conversation and the first laying was as convoluted and confusing as the spiralling ripples in their shell - due to the nature of travelling through so many different time zones in Space.
Sec, do you want to add this up?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Rana told me that the eggs were first laid on their first day on Hippocamp. They spent three sols there, then seven on Ganymede, seventeen on Io, two on Ceres and a third of an orbit back out on Themis.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
I know. I told them I'd just work it out from the appearance of the eggs.
The laying itself had been uneventful . . . Well, no. The laying itself was medically uneventful.
[SEC: questioning ping, typing on screen]
Ugh, I don't know. It's so hard not to be a mammal about this -
[SEC: typing on screen]
You have a point, ceresaurs are probably the most dedicated parents in the galaxy and they're not mammals.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Yeah, that's what I mean! Neritopods have this detachment to their offspring that is completely biologically appropriate for their kind but bizarre to the rest of us sorry lot who have to deal with . . . attachments.
Also . . . This is more of a human thing -
[SEC: questioning ping]
Maybe even more of an Earthen thing - but the, uh, missing part of the egg production equation was one of Rana's clients. They work as a freelance interior designer and told me that they were in a meeting when the laying happened. The eggs came and it just felt right to fertilise them.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I know! I can't imagine that going down particularly well with HR . . .
[SEC: negative ping]
Er, sorry, the letter.
I prepped a tray with a thin layer of MucosAid at the bottom and Rana briefly disappeared into the warm gloom of their shell, reappearing moments later with a gloopy mountain of eggs almost slipping out of their stubby, orange arms. They - Rana - were quite small for a mature Neritopod, but they had produced an impressive amount of eggs nevertheless.
[Pause]
Do you know what a frog looks like, Sec? I know you struggle with old Earth animals.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Frog.
[SEC: multiple questioning pings]
Fr - Frog.
[SEC: affirmative ping, file open]
I've always thought that Neritopods kind of look like . . . the front half of a frog but with a shell like some kind of snail that's really into abstract painting? Do you see what I mean?
[SEC: typing on screen]
Obviously, a lot bigger.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Rana's shell?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Like, their decorations?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Oh . . . Um, it's kind of hard to remember them all, but lemme think. The shell itself looked as though it couldn't decide whether to be red or orange and the more you looked at it, the less certain you became. They had their name symbols on the lip of the shell, where it opened up. The most obvious decoration was a gaudy Callisto Silk tapestry stuck onto the posterior curve, but I think they also had some embroidered patches and stone carvings from Pluto and loads of those little metal animal trinkets from around Saturn which jingled unpredictably as they moved. There were a few Martian logos I recognised. Oh! And a metal badge in the shape of two ceresaurs touching cerebral appendages - must have been from their recent trip to Ceres.
[SEC: typing on screen]
It was a lot. They sounded like a windchime in a Moonquake as they fumbled about inside their shell to find the rest of their eggs.
You know what they remind me of? The shell souvenirs?
[SEC: questioning ping]
There was this trend when I was at medical school. People would take a year out before starting to go travelling, see the galaxy, you know? They'd come back with bags covered in embroidered flags from all the different planetary systems they'd visited.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I know. Neritopods kind of remind me of that. Their whole life is one long gap year.
Hah. Sorry, I completely derailed that.
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Stars, I take like two days off and this is what happens. Uh, we were . . . Talking about how Rana had a lot of eggs for me to assess. Right?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Right.
On first estimation, there must have been at least a hundred eggs in the tray. It was immediately obvious that several of the eggs had undergone rupture, either inside the shell during Rana's travels, or when they pulled them out. Er - it was also clear that a small number of them had stopped growing for other reasons. The horrid grey fur encapsulating the non-viable eggs was visible even from my chair.
'I'm sorry.' I told Rana. A thick glob of mucus dripped from their chair onto the floor. Neritopods don't suffer fools and have this inbuilt reflex that produces their locomotive mucus to get them ready to dash if they feel threatened or annoyed. It was the silent equivalent of a loud tut.
They cast a bright orange eye around the room. 'Where's your waste collection?' They asked. 'I'll get rid of them.'
I assured Rana that we have specific protocols for biological waste.
[SEC: affirmative ping, typing on screen]
I know, imagine if Xael found out. Stars.
Um, I assured Rana that we have specific protocols for biological waste and I can confirm that this was followed to the letter for all non-viable eggs.
I then proceeded to perform the standard series of Egg Assessment Tests on the tray of squishy, helpless lifeforms.
First, was the Float/Sink test. This is as technical as it sounds. With the obviously mangled eggs removed, I filled the tray with distilled water to loosen the synthetic mucus at the bottom. One should do this very carefully if they have a computer who's scarred from a previous incident in which no water was spilled on him.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
[Laugh]
This test -
[SOUND: rustling papers]
Hang on, I wrote this down too. This test revealed another 8 eggs were already dead. These were removed as per protocol.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Oh, um, I was taught that it's because the bacteria which cause the eggs to decay produce this, uh, gas which builds up and makes them less dense than their living, plum-sized counterparts. So they float.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Following this, I performed the agitation test. I actually find this one the hardest to interpret, especially when there are so many eggs to look at at the same time. The agitation test examines the Hermit Reflex which - cutest-named reflex in the galaxy, right?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Erm, The Hermit Reflex which is what keeps the eggs inside the parent Neritpod's shell. When you tilt the tray in one direction, uh, the dark smudge in the middle of the egg should rock itself the other way to reduce the theoretical risk of slipping out of the shell that protects them.
[SOUND: incoming call]
Who is that?
[SEC: typing on screen]
Rai? Oh. Can you decline it?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
It's okay, he'll bleep me if it's urgent.
[SEC: call declined]
Where was I?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Not at all, I just wanna get this letter done.
[SOUND: papers rustling]
[SEC: typing on screen]
I'm not annoyed at him.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Where was I? Oh yeah, the agitation reflex. Um, the agitation reflex revealed another . . . five eggs that weren't viable. But - like I said - it's a difficult one to interpret.
We proceeded to test the light reflexes. This is where the foetus turns its head - uh - cranial end away from the light source as through slipping inside its shell. Unfortunately for these kiddos, it kind of has the same effect as when a toddler closes their eyes and thinks that you can't see them anymore. [Laugh] I have an amazing video of -
[SEC: questioning ping]
Nevermind.
The - um -
[SEC: typing on screen]
Thanks. The light reflex wasn't present in three eggs and, at their age of development, this is strongly indicative of - um - abnormalities that would be incompatible with life. I explained this to Rana and they blinked at me like I'd decided to recite the currency conversion between Io and Mars.
So - We got rid of those eggs too.
The Neritopod babies have another survival trick inside their transparent, jelly-coated globes. I think, with such ambivalent parents, it's probably evolutionarily necessary. This one is my favourite to test. Erm, the - the foetuses have an ability to camouflage by altering the pigment in their ectoderm layer. I tested this by projecting different blocks of colour from my comms screen and holding it under the glass bottom of the tray. The eggs responded briskly to cyan, marigold and magenta.
Um, remind me of the IGM's advice on how long the test should be done for?
[SEC: typing on screen]
Ah, see, I thought it was like . . . 15 seconds, so I hedged my bets and passed all of the eggs. There were definitely one or two that were a bit sluggish, but they all got there. Better to be too generous when the other option is the biological waste chute.
[SOUND: incoming call]
Um - Sec, could you message him?
[SEC: affirmative ping, call declined]
Thanks.
[Sigh] Sorry, this is like milking a Themite.
[SOUND: papers rustling]
Erm, erm . . . Right.
Finally, I proceeded to age the eggs. The basic development of the Neritopod goes from cellular pudding to a wormish fish-like thing -
Can't say that.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
Maybe you should write the whole thing.
[SEC: typing on screen]
The expected development of a neritopod larva is as follows: organised cellular matter, a - the classic long-tailed embryonic form, the formation of the front legs - which the larvae can use to swim about in the egg medium a bit - and, then, the caudal - um - tail end corkscrews around the rest of the body and ossifies to form the shell that the baby will call its first home.
I looked at the procession of eggs under the magnifying lens by the examination bench and sorted them into a rough age order. This was a fairly lengthy process and -
[SOUND: incoming call]
- Are you joking?! Sec?
[SOUND: incoming call]
Shit.
[SOUND: call answered]
FAYE:
Hi - Sorry, I -
XAEL:
Do you want me to take his comms off him?
FAYE:
Uh. No, sorry. I was just trying to concentrate. Is he okay?
XAEL:
I can take over your shifts. We managed before you got here.
FAYE:
No, no, it's fine. Really. What did Rai want?
XAEL:
To ‘see if you're okay’.
FAYE:
I am okay.
XAEL:
Of course you are. Dakarai can be . . . Intense. When he cares about you.
FAYE:
I'm going to have to sift through gullysnot with him, aren't I?
XAEL:
[Laugh] Call me if you need me for anything other than that.
[SOUND: call ended]
[SEC: typing on screen]
FAYE:
. . . Yeah. Honestly, the playlist is worse than the specimens. There's only so many times you can hear a singer tell you you're a bad bitch before it starts to lose its power.
[SEC: negative ping, typing on screen]
[Laugh] Well, I'll get him to send it your way then.
Shall we -?
[SEC: affirmative ping]
Agitation - No! Float/sink, agitation, light, camouflage, age check. [Clears throat] Though left with fewer eggs than at the start of the consultation, Rana opted not to keep the ones that were not at the expected developmental stage for their age. Which - feels weird -
[SEC: typing on screen]
I know. But, trust me, it . . . Feels weird. It's completely normal. They would have just dropped them into some fresh water somewhere if not for the fact that their next stop was Earth and the regulations for atmospheric entry are getting stricter by the orbit.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Hmm. Luckily for my mammalian morals, Calyxy came in with the vaccinations to give Rana and offered to take the eggs home to Vesta for a month or so before the full hatching . . . I - get the impression that Calyxy has a bit of, uh, Empty Nest Syndrome, you know?
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Empty Nest Syndrome? When all your offspring grow up and leave or 'fly the nest'? She has a lot of love to give, does Calyxy. I think she was grateful for somewhere to put it.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Hah. Yeah. Maybe the most nomadic race in the galaxy isn't the best fit for that need but, hey, maybe one or two of them will stick around.
Ugh, sorry. Thinking about abandoned babies doesn't really do it for my mood.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Uh, yeah, it was part of the reason I left so fast. That and Rana's ill-timed pop-quiz about what Earth people are like and how the communities seem so vivid and interesting and how beautiful it seems from the brochures and how they were almost disappointed that I was from Earth because they were so excited to meet a real human and thought it would be better on the planet itself -
[SEC: typing on screen]
[Pause]
[SEC: questioning ping]
I'm not crying. I'm fine.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Stars, this is the bittiest letter ever. I hope you've been keeping track.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Yes. We can do this.
Rana returned the acceptable eggs to their shell and the remaining living eggs are to be fostered - with Rana's permission - by the Clinic's nurse, Calyxy.
Rana also requested the following vaccines for their ongoing travel to Earth: FV3, ATV, STIV and BIV. I will attach the vaccination certificate, and forward a copy to the Earthern Border Regulatory Council as proof of their vaccine status when they arrive.
Or rather, the dashing and ever helpful computer will because he is the best and he really wants this shit show to be over.
[SEC: attach file]
Thank you.
I wish Rana all the best with their ongoing travels and - no.
I wish Rana and their offspring all the best with their ongoing travels. I would be delighted to review them again in the future if they require it.
[Groan of relief] Right. Done. I'm officially back.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I am fine, please stop asking. This . . . . Was a bit close to the bone yesterday. It - I felt backed into the corner by all of Rana's questions but . . . I'm really getting there. I feel better for getting out of my pod.
I think . . . As long as Nic herself doesn't walk through the door - which, let's be real . . . She's had plenty of opportunity to do that if she was going to.
[SEC: typing on screen]
I'm going to be okay.
Right.
[SOUND: chair]
I'm gonna grab like 10 pairs of gloves and mentally prepare myself for Rai's rendition of Independent Sapients.
[SEC: typing on screen]
Hah.
[SEC: typing on screen, questioning ping]
Ugh! Two days off, that’s all it takes to get out of practice.
Signed,
Dr Faye Underwood
The Vesta Clinic
[MUSIC: The Vesta Clinic Theme]
CREDITS
This episode of the Vesta Clinic was created by AMC. It starred AMC as Faye Underwood, Kamen Cooley-Greene as Dakarai Solari, Ruby Campbell as Xaelest Adra, and Sec as himself. Music by AMC and Ruby Campbell.
Please check out our show notes for content warnings, transcripts, and your prescription of: as many mutagens as you need.
If you enjoyed this episode and would like to help the show reach more ears, please tell someone who loves podcasts to check into the Vesta Clinic. You can also follow us on your social media of choice at @vestaclinicpod! We'd love to see you there!
Sound Effect Attributions:
Spaceship compartment door.With pneumatics(8lrs,mltprcssng).wav by newlocknew at Freesound.org
Typing metal plate(reson,rev,DTBlkfx,Eq,Extr,sat,dcmtr)12.wav by newlocknew at Freesound.org
Leafing through papers by lawnjelly at Freesound.org
Connect2 by RICHERIandTV at Freesound.org
Critical Stop4 by RICHERIandTV at Freesound.org
Content Warnings: Abortion equivalent in a non-human species; embryonic death in a non-human species; adoption; infidelity; difficult parent-child relationships
